Push Admin

OPINION/SATIRE: Operation Desert Epal: The liberation of Kuwait

Article (news)

Alan Robles — Hot Manila

The action begins deep in the command bunker of a certain high-ranking diplomatic official. The Secretary: We HAVE to do something to help our countrymen in Kuwait, they&#x27;re being oppressed by their employers! It&#x27;s making me look bad! We need to undertake emergency intervention! What are our options?Troll Special Consultant to Undersecretary for Migrants (SCUM): We have this plan sir, we can rescue our countrymen, earn their gratitudeThe Secretary: Good! Can we send our stealth bombers?SCUM: We don&#x27;t have stealth bombersThe Secretary: How about deploying our carriers?SCUM: We don&#x27;t have carriers. The Secretary: Well let&#x27;s launch cruise missiles then. SCUM: Don&#x27;t have cruise missiles. The Secretary: Dammit, it&#x27;s what I saw in all those war videos. Wait! I know, we have SEAL teams right? Let&#x27;s send our SEAL teams.SCUM: We have them but we can&#x27;t send them. The Secretary: Why not?SCUM: They&#x27;re guarding Boracay against an invasion of Australian nuns. The Secretary: Well, what DO we have?SCUM: Sir, as I was saying...The Secretary: Talk to me. SCUM: We can deploy our elite team of JT — Junketing Trolls — along with government staff. We infiltrate Kuwait. We rescue some workers, we video everything. We hold a celebratory party, everyone is happy.The Secretary: What could possibly go wrong? Make it happen. Soon the Infinity Stones will be mine! So speaks the mighty Cayethanos!SCUM: You might have been watching the wrong video sir. The Secretary: Go away. Two days later...SCUM: Sir, we executed the special operation. I have good news and bad news. The Secretary: Bad news first. SCUM: All the troll junketeers were discovered by the police and had to flee Kuwait. Meanwhile, the Kuwait government has arrested some of our officials, is deporting our ambassador and has pulled out its ambassador from our country.The Secretary: What? Your good news had better be good. SCUM: The good news is we rescued a lot of workers. The Secretary: That&#x27;s terrific! How many?SCUM: Two-hundred thousand. The Secretary: Wow, that many? Excellent! Wait! isn&#x27;t that the number of ALL our workers in Kuwait?SCUM: That&#x27;s correct sir, Kuwait is ordering all workers out of the country. The Secretary: Mission accomplished! Well done. Now, we proceed to the most important part of the plan—finding somebody to blame.SCUM: Let&#x27;s blame the dilawan!The Secretary: Gawd I love the smell of victory. Disclaimer: Any resemblance between this story and actual facts is none of our business.

The action begins deep in the command bunker of a certain high-ranking diplomatic official.

The action begins deep in the command bunker of a certain high-ranking diplomatic official.