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OPINION/SATIRE: Philippine military unveils dramatic new defense strategy: no fighting

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Alan Robles -- Hot Manila

&quot;No fighting&quot; will be the new defense strategy of the Armed Forces of the Philippines under President Rodrigo Duterte.The strategy was unveiled yesterday by the president&#x27;s personal military adviser, Wally Espiritu Sukoagad.He explained that &quot;if China attacks, Filipinos will defend their country by moving to another place, probably Russia, where they can get free Vkontakte to replace Facebook.&quot;But even before China can think of attacking, the Philippines will preempt it by suddenly striking first and giving Beijing anything and everything it wants.&quot;This is the Duterte Doctrine,&quot; he said.According to Sukoagad, the strategy was formulated after the administration&#x27;s top know-it-all bloggers were formed into a committee that carefully and extensively studed warfare, tactics, technology, history and global geopolitics.He said the committee arrived at several conclusions.&quot;First, China was identified as the next possible opponent and aggressor.&quot;Second, they had to get a world map to find out where China was.&quot;Third, they then discovered one important thing: China is BIG. Holy Jesus, very big!&quot;Sukoagad said the committee started asking &quot;out of the box questions&quot; such as &quot;why should you fight for your country against a bigger country if you&#x27;re clearly going to lose?&quot;The committee realized that &quot;if we assert our rights to our territory, it could mean war. People could die.&quot;He revealed this was &quot;the breakthrough insight that led to the Duterte Doctrine.&quot; &quot;In military terms, we call this AirLand Doctrine. The principle is &#x27;You want our air? You want our land? Help yourselves!&#x27; &quot;The adviser said, &quot;we don&#x27;t call this surrender, we call this &#x27;preemptive nonfighting.&#x27; &quot;The important strategic goal he said, is simple: don&#x27;t make China angry.&quot;Fortunately it&#x27;s been in a good mood, unlike a few months ago.&quot;He revealed how Beijing kept the Duterte government &quot;nervous&quot; with messages such as: &quot;you didn&#x27;t send us a Christmas card THIS MEANS WAR&quot; and &quot;the islands you surrendered to us didn&#x27;t have any ribbons attached THIS MEANS WAR.&quot;He denied the Philippine military was going to be disbanded or dissolved. &quot;On the contrary, we will continue with our procurement, only there will be a repurposing of the assets.&quot;The new amphibious landing docks made in Indonesia will be employed for jetski excursions by the first family and friends;&quot;The new missile batteries bought from the US will be emplaced on Benham Rise - 40 feet under the sea.&quot;Our new high performance fighter jets will be used to escort transports carrying Chinese gamblers when they come to visit.&quot;Our expanded SEAL teams will be given the mission of watching out for coliform bacteria.&quot;Also all our military personnel will be taught the &quot;peace salute&quot;. This is like the Duterte fist, only you extend both your hands forward, like you&#x27;re doing a &#x27;Hail Hydra.&#x27; Then you suddenly raise both hands while shouting &#x27;Peace Comrade!&#x27; &quot;He revealed the Philippine Army is contemplating &quot;slightly adjusting&quot; its motto, from &quot;Securing the land, serving the people&quot; to &quot;Securing the land for China and serving the Chinese people.&quot; * * *

He explained that "if China attacks, Filipinos will defend their country by moving to another place, probably Russia, where they can get free Vkontakte to replace Facebook."

He explained that "if China attacks, Filipinos will defend their country by moving to another place, probably Russia, where they can get free Vkontakte to replace Facebook."