[Trigger warning: Suicide]

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MANILA - More than a decade since she got embroiled in a scandal, Maricar Reyes looked back at that dark chapter of her life and how she began her journey towards healing.

Speaking with Toni Gonzaga for the host's vlog, Reyes recalled the exact moment she learned about the controversy.

“Sobra akong top of the world. I had a serye na part ako ng main cast. ‘Lovers In Paris’ 'yun, nagte-tape na kami, hindi pa sila umeere. I just came from taping. I went straight to the race. Maganda 'yung time ko, ang saya-saya. Everything was looking good tapos biglang hatak,” she said.

Reyes said one of her friends called her asking about a tabloid item but she just laughed it off. It was when her agent gave her a call when she felt the shock.

“Parang nag-quiet lahat ng paligid. Siguro kasi it’s still denial, may disbelief,” she said.

Describing that phase of her life as traumatic, Reyes recalled: “I think sa sobrang hindi kaya ng utak ko [i-process], nag-shut down na lang siya. I actually don’t remember when I cried. Siguro ang tagal kung kailan ko siya iniyak. Kasi nakapag-work pa ako, meron pa akong taping a day or two after. 'Yun 'yung ‘Precious Hearts.’”

Reyes thought it was the end for her, that she actually thought of committing suicide.

“'Yung time na 'yun, nung nandoon ako sa house, all these thoughts, doon siya na talaga nag-sink na totoo ito, there is no way that you can retract this. You cannot get back what you lost. Doon ako parang, ‘Ang unfair.’”

“Kaya ko naisip din 'yung suicide kasi parang wala na akong way para gumanti. It’s more of the shame sa sarili, causing shame to others that you love. Siyempre naro-romanticize mo siya pero when you really think about it, [kapag naiisip ko] how my family would react, parang mas lalong hindi fair sa kanila,” she added.

Reyes said the only time that she stopped thinking about suicide was when she realized about what her family would go through had she pushed through with it.

At that time, Reyes just directed her full attention to working harder.

“It’s really doing the next thing na kailangan mong gawin. Work really helps. Having responsibility na alam ko na people on the set will be depending on me to show up, in a way parang kailangan ko din buhayin 'yung sarili ko. Kasi at that time, hindi na ako dependent sa parents ko and I didn’t want to be a freeloader sa kanila the whole time,” she added.

She also mentioned how Yeng Constantino was instrumental in her “slow and steady” journey to healing.

“Nagha-highlight siya ng Bible. It was the first time that I saw anybody in my life doing that. Kami lagi 'yung buddy ni Yeng. We wouldn’t really talk about God. Hindi naman siya pushy. But towards our last show, sabi niya, ‘Meron akong mentor. If you want lang to talk to somebody, you can go to her.’”

Reyes remembers talking to Constantino’s mentor and their conversations led her to establish a relationship with God.

“At that time din, parang wala na akong choice. Saan pa ba? Lahat na-try na, eh di i-try mo na rin [basahin 'yung Bible]. Being the studious person that I am, and 'yun nga nagmamadali ako [maka-recover], I read the whole thing in three months,” she said.

“During the process of reading, doon ko naramdaman na parang kinakausap ka ni God. 'Yung mga stories that would stick out, may mga stories na, ‘Uy parang ako iyan ah.’ It’s just the feeling na tumama,” she said.

For Reyes, it was such an overwhelming and humbling feeling that God loved her even at her worst.