After an almost three-year hiatus from social media, actress Ellen Adarna admitted she was happy to start posting again on her Instagram account in order to share what kind of mental training she went through in Bali last March. She recounted the experience during an interview with Mo Twister in the April 3 episode of his podcast Good Times With Mo where the actress admitted that before agreeing to the interview, her only request was not to talk about her previous relationship with John Lloyd Cruz. “It’s something very personal,” she said.

The podcast also coincided with the actress’s 32nd birthday. Ellen shared with Mo her journey towards becoming better mentally, emotionally, and physically. “Because I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder right? And for two years, on and off, I was on medications. It just made me numb but I wasn’t getting better, I wasn’t the Ellen that I was when I was 24. I didn’t feel that. I was dead inside. 24 was like my best time. Like I was at my happiest, my best moment, years of my life. My peak (laughs). (The depression) it actually started right before I got pregnant. And not only that, my dad died three weeks before I gave birth. So I was in a very, very, very bad place,” she said.

Ellen also shared that she got the idea of completing the two-week meditation course in Bali on the referral of her friend. “In November, I felt that I was getting better but it was very slow. Like I felt at that time when I stopped my medication, I felt like there was going to be hope and it was just taking so long. And then I started opening up to my friends and talking to some people and my friend Samantha who did this program had the same issues. And then after she did it she was like a brand new person. And at that time I was just really desperate to get better. Of course I’m a different person now. I’m a mother. So it’s like Ellen 3.O,” she explained.

During the interview, Ellen also confirmed that she has no plans of returning to showbiz. “No, no. Well I’m working now for my family so I don’t plan to go back to showbiz anytime soon. Not in the next seven years. And I don’t have plans with vlogging as well. So my life is really not as interesting as it was. Right now I am a full-time mom. I put my baby to sleep, I feed him, and in the afternoon when I go to work, he goes with me to the office and that’s my life,” she said.

Motherhood has also taught the 32-year-old actress to lessen her hard-partying ways. She told Mo, “You know the old me is still in me but it’s more controlled. I’ve learned how to control it but it comes out every once in a while. (I miss) how free-spirited I was and how I had no worries. But now I’m a mom. I have to think about my son all the time. I’m a professional worrier now (laughs),” she joked.

When asked if she would ever consider giving a tell-all interview of what really happened with her last relationship, the sexy actress gave a vague answer. “That’s a hard thing. Probably. When shit really hits the fan I probably will (laughs),” she said. With the public growing more and more curious about her son Elias, the actress also admitted she prefers to still keep him out of the limelight. “He will decide but now he can’t yet right? So I want to have a choice. There are pictures (of him) though, it’s been circulating but I don’t want it coming from me or his father,” she shared