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'It was very traumatic': Ellen Adarna breaks silence on 'dark' 2 years away from limelight

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<div class="embed-wrap"><figure data-feedback="fb:likes,fb:comments"><img src="http://sa.kapamilya.com/absnews/abscbnnews/media/2020/entertainment/03/27/0327ellen.jpg"/><figcaption>Ellen Adarna opens up about a &#x27;traumatic&#x27; chapter in her life in a revealing vlog on Friday. <em>Instagram: @maria.elena.adarna</em></figcaption></figure></div><p>MANILA — For the first time after resurfacing from a two-year hiatus, former actress Ellen Adarna broke her silence about what she referred to as a &quot;dark&quot; and &quot;traumatic&quot; period in her life while away from the limelight.</p><p>Adarna spoke at length about being diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder in a revealing Instagram video on Friday.</p><p>The deeply personal video, she explained, is the first of two parts about her experience of undergoing mental training in Bali, which she credited for her recovery.</p><p>&quot;What led me into that state?&quot; she said, referring to her trauma and depression. &quot;I don&#x27;t want to talk about it in detail, because it&#x27;s something very personal.&quot;</p><p>&quot;So many things happened all at once in a span of four months, or less than four months. Everything happened. All the bad things that I imagined, happened. It was very traumatic for me,&quot; she said.</p><div><strong>&#x27;IF IT&#x27;S NOt OKAY, IT&#x27;S NOT THE END&#x27;</strong></div><p>Throughout the 8-minute video, Adarna appeared candid and at certain points pensive about the challenging chapter.</p><p>Adarna, 31, pointed out that for most of her life, she was &quot;never really the depressive kind of person,&quot; and that she would tend to &quot;bounce back quick&quot; and &quot;move on fast.&quot;</p><p>&quot;I always had this thing in my mind that everything is going to be okay. &#x27;If it&#x27;s not okay, it&#x27;s not the end.&#x27; That quote helps a lot. I live by that,&quot; she said.</p><p>The episode that led to her depression, however, changed things for Adarna, who shared that she went to therapy with two psychiatrists and had to undergo medication.</p><p>&quot;I was on a lot of tranquilizers,&quot; she said. &quot;My panic attacks were really, really bad, to the point where my body would shake, and then I&#x27;d puke. It was so weird.&quot;</p><p>&quot;At that time, I didn&#x27;t know what it was, because I never had anxiety that serious. At first I thought I was going to die. Everything was getting hard, my muscles were getting so stiff, and I felt like I couldn&#x27;t breathe. And then I&#x27;d just end up puking,&quot; Adarna said.</p><div><strong>&#x27;VERY DARK PLACE&#x27;</strong></div><p>Adarna, in the video, would fall silent numerous times apparently as she tried to recall manifestations of her condition.</p><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/tv/B-L1E66ly2i/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12" style="background:#FFF;border:0;border-radius:3px;box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15);margin:1px;max-width:540px;min-width:326px;padding:0;width:calc(100% - 2px)"><div style="padding:16px"><div style="display:flex;flex-direction:row;align-items:center"><div style="background-color:#F4F4F4;border-radius:50%;flex-grow:0;height:40px;margin-right:14px;width:40px"> </div><div style="display:flex;flex-direction:column;flex-grow:1;justify-content:center"><div 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style="color:#c9c8cd;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;line-height:17px;text-decoration:none" target="_blank">A post shared by EA (@maria.elena.adarna)</a> on <time dateTime="2020-03-26T05:28:22+00:00" style="font-family:Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:17px">Mar 25, 2020 at 10:28pm PDT</time></p></div></blockquote><div><script async="" src="https://www.instagram.com/embed.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div><p>&quot;I was just also very sad. I was in a very dark place for two years, almost three years. I thought I wasn&#x27;t going to snap out of it... It was that bad,&quot; she said.</p><p>Adarna stepped away from showbiz in late 2017, when she started her relationship with her then-&quot;Home Sweetie Home&quot; co-star John Lloyd Cruz.</p><p>In the two years they were both on hiatus, the couple appeared to reach numerous milestones, with reports of a shared home, and the confirmation of Adarna&#x27;s pregnancy with their first child.</p><p>Adarna and Cruz, who welcomed their baby boy in June 2018, are reportedly no longer together.</p><p>Throughout her video on Friday, Adarna did not once mention Cruz, nor hinted at a relationship as the cause of her declining mental health at the time.</p><p>In November 2018, Adarna decided to stop taking her medication, explaining that it &quot;just really made me numb.&quot;</p><p>&quot;I was always sleeping. That was my thing. I&#x27;d wake up, and think about sleeping again. I would eat in bed. I wouldn&#x27;t even shower for days. I was just in bed the whole time... When I took it, I didn&#x27;t feel the sadness, but it didn&#x27;t make me happy either. I didn&#x27;t have feelings. I felt like a robot,&quot; she shared.</p><p>&quot;If I try to think about those two years, it&#x27;s a blur. I basically slept for almost three years. And that was it,&quot; she added.</p><div><strong>#THEREISHOPE</strong></div><p>One of Adarna&#x27;s means of coping then was going on vacation with her family. That relief, however, was only temporary.</p><p>&quot;I thought I was getting better, but I wasn&#x27;t. I was in a nice country, went to nice places, and I still felt the same. It made it even worse, because at that time, I didn&#x27;t bring my pills. I was in a nice country with my family, and I was just still sad, and I felt really empty. I was still depressed,&quot; she recalled.</p><p>Adarna eventually reached a turning point of seeking alternative ways to heal, leading her to the 14-day program in Bali which she said aimed to &quot;connect the body, mind, and spirit.&quot;</p><p>Adarna said she would explain the program in detail in another video, in the hope of helping others who may similarly be dealing with mental illness.</p><p>&quot;#ThereIsHope,&quot; she wrote.</p>

<p>"I was in a very dark place for two years, almost three years. I thought I wasn't going to snap out of it... It was that bad."</p>

"I was in a very dark place for two years, almost three years. I thought I wasn't going to snap out of it... It was that bad."