Jaehwa Bernardo

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'Women aren't stupid': Does the 'performative male' act really work?

ABS-CBN News Digital Intern

<div><img src="https://od2-image-api.abs-cbn.com/prod/editorImage/1758095024587performative male – thumb.png" style="width:950px" class="fr-fic fr-dib"/></div><div> </div>Picture this: A stylish guy carrying a tote bag patched up with keychains or a cute Labubu nonchalantly sits down at a local café. He sips on a matcha latte as he turns to another page of a feminist book, all while listening to an indie female artist through wired earphones.That’s how folks dwelling on the internet describe what is dubbed as the “performative male” — the reconstructed modern version of the “soft boy” aesthetic, which is undeniably just to gain social clout and validation from women.Little do these dudes know that the ladies can see right through their superficial, fabricated, and inauthentic fronts.“Women aren&#x27;t stupid… If you&#x27;re pretending to like something, people can tell,” relationship coach Alicia Serrano told ABS-CBN News. “There&#x27;s really no point because people will find out that you&#x27;re lying and fooling people at the end of the day… Do you really want to be that guy?”According to dating expert Vanessa Antonio, the performative male is basically a show-off with a goal to win women&#x27;s sympathy and attention, even if he does not genuinely share those hobbies or beliefs.“I just feel that it&#x27;s just very shallow, and it would be much, much, much nicer if that is internalized,” she said.This so-called ideal began making waves on mainstream media this 2025, but the archetype really bloomed on TikTok, where users whip out their own embodiment of the curated aesthetic. “These are people who are usually [in their] early teens, early adults. Prime time to think about relationships and dating… it&#x27;s also when you get to know people of all genders, all experiences, and trying to just understand how that would work is important,” Serrano said.It involves dressing themselves in baggy jeans, consuming very niche references, and latching on to progressive ideals and female-coded interests publicly, all in an attempt to put a woman’s guard down.“At the core of being a performative male is dishonest signaling… it&#x27;s putting up a facade, a performance so that they could have an end goal that they would like to have,” she added. Serrano related the act to “honest signaling,” which is best seen in male peacocks and how they flaunt their vibrant tail feathers to naturally attract mates. Performative men mimic this, but instead of revealing their true colors, they show off traits they do not actually have, often to serve ulterior motives.“Unlike peacocks, you can&#x27;t be beautiful unless you&#x27;re healthy. As a performative male, you can appear to like certain things that maybe women are into, without actually having the experiences, the necessary building blocks that would warrant that,” she said.Putting up a certain image to get girls’ attention isn’t necessarily a new concept as it has been around way back in different manifestations. Although, nowadays, the most recent iteration of a performative male has turned into a “memeful” mania on social media — to the point that open contests are staged across cities to determine who is the most ideal man of all.But to sniff out whether a man is being genuine or just putting an act, Antonio said it often shows with how he usually treats women in general.“They&#x27;re only gentlemen to the people that they like, but they&#x27;re not gentlemen to other women because they&#x27;re less attractive… That&#x27;s how I can tell if a person [has] legitimately good values because they&#x27;re nice and kind and respectful to everybody and not only kind and respectful to the women that they find attractive,” she said.<div> </div><div>TRYING SOMETHING NEW</div>It is easy to assume a guy is putting on a performance, but it gets a little tricky when there are others that just want to experience something new in their day-to-day lives, with no hidden agendas at all. “There&#x27;s also a distinction between guys who just want to try new things and trends, which would be innocent and harmless, versus people who would weaponize that as a way to get into relationships,” Serrano said. “So it&#x27;s really more on integration into how you are, and also the depth of your personality, the depth of engagement you have with it.”While dating specialists marked the performative male as a “red flag” for being shallow and inauthentic, Serrano admitted that it has a chance of turning a bond into something real — especially when men are inclined to embrace what they are trying to become. But, like all things, it takes some time. “Maybe you never thought about trying matcha in your life, and then you just ride it because your crush drinks matcha, then over time, you develop a taste for it… and it&#x27;s something that you genuinely enjoy,” she said. “It can work for some people who develop a genuine interest, but for people where it remains at the surface ng talaga, it&#x27;s not really gonna be helpful or healthy.”The modern performative male aesthetic also veers away from what is traditionally deemed as manly in society, opening up avenues to enjoy softer ways of being a man beyond the super macho image that has been shoved down people&#x27;s throats.“There is this belief that men should also meet the standards of women, when it comes to what they like to talk about and what they&#x27;re interested in… It softens the image of what acceptable men could be,” Serrano said. “Because before, all of the slurs would be thrown at you if you were a man with a tote bag, but right now, that&#x27;s how people are.”It also shapes modern dating for women, where they cannot just use the presence of certain things as an indicator that a person’s interested in the same thing as well. Meaning, two individuals need to actually connect with each other instead of just hastily assuming.Apart from that, Serrano also mentioned how loneliness could also be a big push as to why men feel the need to be performative. People tend to put up a performance to fast-track making connections without the proper groundwork and genuinely knowing a person.<div> </div><div>BREAKING THE ACT</div>Getting past the performative male act just means being yourself. For Antonio, who is also a matchmaker, the best way to deal with internal insecurities is being “legitimately real.”“If you love and support women, that should show in your words and actions consistently, not only when somebody&#x27;s watching,” she said. According to the dating expert, one thing that never fails to make men more attractive is embracing leadership and responsibility, which can be seen in traditional chivalrous acts, like simply opening doors.“I feel like that will make you much more attractive than just holding a ‘Pride and Prejudice’ book, and your matcha coffee, pretending as if you live a life just like of the woman&#x27;s preference,” Antonio said. “Go back to being a legitimate gentleman that will give you access to more quality women than faking it.”“The more you step up as a man, the more you will put women in their feminine [side]... Do not compete with women, make them feel safe and taken care of.

The rise of the ‘performative male’ — men who curate soft-boy aesthetics, feminist reads, and indie playlists for clout — is reshaping modern dating. Experts warn it’s more facade than substance, but note it can evolve into something real if authenticity follows.

The rise of the ‘performative male’ — men who curate soft-boy aesthetics, feminist reads, and indie playlists for clout — is reshaping modern dating. Experts warn it’s more facade than substance, but note it can evolve into something real if authenticity follows.

'Women aren't stupid': Why the ‘performative male’ won’t fool anyone

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'Women aren't stupid': Why the ‘performative male’ won’t fool anyone

ABS-CBN News Digital Intern,

Shayne Lee Andreas Macaraeg

Published September 18, 2025 03:17 PM PHT

Read More:

dating

performative male

internet culture

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